Mr. Darcy Tries Online Dating: A Modern Romance Disaster

Welcome Back to Epic Darcy Fails!

Imagine, if you will, Mr. Darcy in 2025, armed with a smartphone and absolutely zero understanding of modern romance. Someone (cough Bingley cough) convinced him that online dating is "simply the thing" and "all the rage among the fashionable set."

Darcy's Dating Profile: A Study in Self-Sabotage

FitzwilliamD1813

Age: 32 | Location: Derbyshire | Looking for: Someone to tolerate my vast fortune

Photos:

• Brooding by a window (professional photographer hired)

• Standing next to Pemberley with arms crossed

• Glaring at the camera in formal wear

• Action shot of him judging people at a coffee shop

• 
  

Bio: "Fitzwilliam Darcy, master of Pemberley, seeking a woman of tolerable beauty and adequate conversation. Must not be beneath my station in life, though I'm willing to consider slight social deficiencies if you possess exceptional moral character.

I enjoy long walks around my estate, improving the minds of those less fortunate, and correcting people's misconceptions about proper behavior. My ideal evening involves silent contemplation of my own superiority while you sit quietly nearby, perhaps practicing the pianoforte (poorly, but with enthusiasm).

Please note: I have £10,000 a year and excellent connections. References from your family's clergyman required. No fortune hunters, social climbers, or women who laugh too loudly in public.

Swipe right if you're prepared to be transformed by my good influence.

The Disaster Begins: Darcy's Messages

Match #1: Emma_BookLover22

Emma: "Hi! I noticed you mentioned improving people's minds. I love reading! What's your favorite book?"

Darcy: "Miss Emma, while I appreciate your attempt at intellectual discourse, I must point out that 'favorite' implies a casual approach to literature that I find concerning. I prefer to speak of 'essential texts for moral improvement.' Might I suggest you begin with Fordyce's Sermons? Your mind would benefit greatly from the discipline."

Emma: [Has left the chat]

Match #2: SarahAdventures

Sarah: "Your estate looks gorgeous! I love traveling and exploring new places."

Darcy: "Miss Sarah, I feel compelled to correct your understanding. One does not 'explore' Pemberley as if it were some common tourist destination. It is a sacred trust, passed down through generations of superior breeding and refined taste. Perhaps you meant to express admiration for its architectural significance?"

Sarah: [Blocked]

Match #3: LizzyB_TeacherLife

Lizzy: "LOL your bio is... something. Do you actually talk like that in real life, or is this performance art?"

Darcy: "I'm afraid I don't understand your question. This 'LOL' you reference is unfamiliar to me. As for my manner of expression, I pride myself on speaking with the precision and formality befitting my station. Perhaps you could benefit from similar attention to proper communication?"

Lizzy: "Oh my GOD you're serious. This is amazing. Tell me more about these 'social deficiencies' you're willing to overlook."

Darcy: "Well, if you must know, I'm prepared to consider women whose families engage in trade, provided they demonstrate proper shame about their connections. I'm remarkably generous in this regard."

Lizzy: "I'm a public school teacher."

Darcy: "How... charitable of you to work with the unfortunate. I suppose someone must educate the masses, though I question whether minds of that caliber can truly be improved."

Lizzy: [Unmatched faster than lightning]

The Reviews Roll In

★☆☆☆☆ "Absolutely Insufferable" "This man asked for my father's financial statements on the second message. When I laughed, he said my 'unguarded manner' was concerning. NEXT."

★☆☆☆☆ "Mansplainer Supreme" "Explained my own job to me, then suggested I might benefit from 'guidance in proper feminine accomplishments.' Sir, I have a PhD."

★☆☆☆☆ "The Audacity" "Told me my profile picture was 'tolerable' but suggested I 'work on my countenance.' I'm a literal model. THE CAUCASITY."

★☆☆☆☆ "Red Flag Factory" "Said he was looking for someone to 'mold into a proper wife.' When I said I was fine as I am, he offered to 'explain why that's incorrect.' I can't even."

Darcy's Group Chat with the Boys

Bingley: Darcy, mate, how's the dating app going?

Darcy: Quite poorly, I'm afraid. The quality of women on these platforms is appalling. Not one has expressed proper gratitude for my attention.

Bingley: Maybe try being... less... you?

Darcy: I don't understand. I've been nothing but honest about my superior breeding and their obvious deficiencies.

Wickham: 😂😂😂 screenshots please

Darcy: Wickham, your presence in this chat remains an ongoing irritation.

Bingley: Darcy, you literally told a woman her laugh was "excessively vulgar."

Darcy: It was! She sounded like a hyena experiencing digestive distress.

Bingley: I'm staging an intervention.

The Algorithm Strikes Back

Dating App Notification: "We've noticed you haven't had any successful matches. Try updating your profile! Here are some suggestions..."

Darcy's Response: "I fail to see how I might 'update' perfection. Perhaps your algorithm requires improvement to better identify women of proper quality."

App: [Account suspended for being "aggressively pretentious"]

The Bottom Line

Mr. Darcy's foray into online dating lasted exactly 72 hours before he was banned from three platforms and became a viral TikTok meme (#DarcyDisaster).

His bio became a cautionary tale shared in group chats across the internet, with women screenshot-ing his messages as examples of "what not to swipe right on."

The moral of the story? Even £10,000 a year can't buy you game when your opening line is "I'm willing to overlook your inferior connections."

Some things never change, folks. Not even with WiFi.

Your Turn!

Have you encountered modern-day Darcys on dating apps? Share your horror stories in the comments! Bonus points if they actually used the phrase "beneath my station" unironically.

Next week: "Darcy Discovers Social Media: An Exercise in Public Humiliation" because apparently, someone needs to explain that Instagram isn't for posting aesthetic shots of your superiority complex.

Happy swiping (but maybe not right on Darcy),

LiAnne Kay