Mr. Darcy Tries Online Dating: A Modern Romance Disaster

Welcome Back to Epic Darcy Fails!

Imagine, if you will, Mr. Darcy in 2025, armed with a smartphone and absolutely zero understanding of modern romance. Someone (cough Bingley cough) convinced him that online dating is "simply the thing" and "all the rage among the fashionable set."

Darcy's Dating Profile: A Study in Self-Sabotage

FitzwilliamD1813

Age: 32 | Location: Derbyshire | Looking for: Someone to tolerate my vast fortune

Photos:

• Brooding by a window (professional photographer hired)

• Standing next to Pemberley with arms crossed

• Glaring at the camera in formal wear

• Action shot of him judging people at a coffee shop

• 
  

Bio: "Fitzwilliam Darcy, master of Pemberley, seeking a woman of tolerable beauty and adequate conversation. Must not be beneath my station in life, though I'm willing to consider slight social deficiencies if you possess exceptional moral character.

I enjoy long walks around my estate, improving the minds of those less fortunate, and correcting people's misconceptions about proper behavior. My ideal evening involves silent contemplation of my own superiority while you sit quietly nearby, perhaps practicing the pianoforte (poorly, but with enthusiasm).

Please note: I have £10,000 a year and excellent connections. References from your family's clergyman required. No fortune hunters, social climbers, or women who laugh too loudly in public.

Swipe right if you're prepared to be transformed by my good influence.

The Disaster Begins: Darcy's Messages

Match #1: Emma_BookLover22

Emma: "Hi! I noticed you mentioned improving people's minds. I love reading! What's your favorite book?"

Darcy: "Miss Emma, while I appreciate your attempt at intellectual discourse, I must point out that 'favorite' implies a casual approach to literature that I find concerning. I prefer to speak of 'essential texts for moral improvement.' Might I suggest you begin with Fordyce's Sermons? Your mind would benefit greatly from the discipline."

Emma: [Has left the chat]

Match #2: SarahAdventures

Sarah: "Your estate looks gorgeous! I love traveling and exploring new places."

Darcy: "Miss Sarah, I feel compelled to correct your understanding. One does not 'explore' Pemberley as if it were some common tourist destination. It is a sacred trust, passed down through generations of superior breeding and refined taste. Perhaps you meant to express admiration for its architectural significance?"

Sarah: [Blocked]

Match #3: LizzyB_TeacherLife

Lizzy: "LOL your bio is... something. Do you actually talk like that in real life, or is this performance art?"

Darcy: "I'm afraid I don't understand your question. This 'LOL' you reference is unfamiliar to me. As for my manner of expression, I pride myself on speaking with the precision and formality befitting my station. Perhaps you could benefit from similar attention to proper communication?"

Lizzy: "Oh my GOD you're serious. This is amazing. Tell me more about these 'social deficiencies' you're willing to overlook."

Darcy: "Well, if you must know, I'm prepared to consider women whose families engage in trade, provided they demonstrate proper shame about their connections. I'm remarkably generous in this regard."

Lizzy: "I'm a public school teacher."

Darcy: "How... charitable of you to work with the unfortunate. I suppose someone must educate the masses, though I question whether minds of that caliber can truly be improved."

Lizzy: [Unmatched faster than lightning]

The Reviews Roll In

★☆☆☆☆ "Absolutely Insufferable" "This man asked for my father's financial statements on the second message. When I laughed, he said my 'unguarded manner' was concerning. NEXT."

★☆☆☆☆ "Mansplainer Supreme" "Explained my own job to me, then suggested I might benefit from 'guidance in proper feminine accomplishments.' Sir, I have a PhD."

★☆☆☆☆ "The Audacity" "Told me my profile picture was 'tolerable' but suggested I 'work on my countenance.' I'm a literal model. THE CAUCASITY."

★☆☆☆☆ "Red Flag Factory" "Said he was looking for someone to 'mold into a proper wife.' When I said I was fine as I am, he offered to 'explain why that's incorrect.' I can't even."

Darcy's Group Chat with the Boys

Bingley: Darcy, mate, how's the dating app going?

Darcy: Quite poorly, I'm afraid. The quality of women on these platforms is appalling. Not one has expressed proper gratitude for my attention.

Bingley: Maybe try being... less... you?

Darcy: I don't understand. I've been nothing but honest about my superior breeding and their obvious deficiencies.

Wickham: 😂😂😂 screenshots please

Darcy: Wickham, your presence in this chat remains an ongoing irritation.

Bingley: Darcy, you literally told a woman her laugh was "excessively vulgar."

Darcy: It was! She sounded like a hyena experiencing digestive distress.

Bingley: I'm staging an intervention.

The Algorithm Strikes Back

Dating App Notification: "We've noticed you haven't had any successful matches. Try updating your profile! Here are some suggestions..."

Darcy's Response: "I fail to see how I might 'update' perfection. Perhaps your algorithm requires improvement to better identify women of proper quality."

App: [Account suspended for being "aggressively pretentious"]

The Bottom Line

Mr. Darcy's foray into online dating lasted exactly 72 hours before he was banned from three platforms and became a viral TikTok meme (#DarcyDisaster).

His bio became a cautionary tale shared in group chats across the internet, with women screenshot-ing his messages as examples of "what not to swipe right on."

The moral of the story? Even £10,000 a year can't buy you game when your opening line is "I'm willing to overlook your inferior connections."

Some things never change, folks. Not even with WiFi.

Your Turn!

Have you encountered modern-day Darcys on dating apps? Share your horror stories in the comments! Bonus points if they actually used the phrase "beneath my station" unironically.

Next week: "Darcy Discovers Social Media: An Exercise in Public Humiliation" because apparently, someone needs to explain that Instagram isn't for posting aesthetic shots of your superiority complex.

Happy swiping (but maybe not right on Darcy),

LiAnne Kay

How NOT to Propose: A Study in Darcy's Epic First Attempt

Wherein we learn that leading with "my family will hate you" isn't the romantic opener we think it is

Welcome Back to Epic Darcy Fails!

Today we're examining the proposal that launched a thousand rewrites: Mr. Darcy's spectacularly disastrous first attempt at wooing Elizabeth Bennet. Because apparently, even our patron saint of brooding romance can absolutely tank a proposal when he puts his mind to it.

The man literally opened with "Despite my family's objections and your inferior social status, I love you." And then he was SHOCKED when she said no. Shocked, I tell you!

Let's break down this masterclass in "How to Ruin Your Own Love Life in 10 Minutes or Less."

Darcy's Proposal: A Play-by-Play Disaster

The Setup

Darcy storms into the room (already a red flag, my dudes) and starts pacing like a caged tiger with relationship anxiety. Elizabeth is just trying to read her mail in peace, probably thinking about literally anything except marriage proposals from arrogant men.

The Opening Line (Or: How to Immediately Tank Your Chances)

What Darcy Said: "In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."

What Elizabeth Heard: "I've been fighting my feelings because you're beneath me, but my hormones have overruled my better judgment."

What He Should Have Said: "Elizabeth, I've come to realize that my admiration for you has grown into something much deeper. Might I have permission to speak?"

The Body of the Disaster

Then our boy really goes for it:

• Mentions her "inferior connections" (DUDE, NO)

• Brings up her family's "want of propriety" (STOP TALKING)

• Emphasizes what a huge sacrifice he's making (SERIOUSLY, SHUT UP)

• Acts like she should be grateful for his condescension (I CAN'T EVEN)

• 
  

Darcy's Internal Monologue: "Surely she'll appreciate my honesty about all her flaws!"

Reality: Elizabeth is mentally composing his obituary.

Modern MMC Proposals: Somehow Even Worse

The "You're Not Like Other Girls" Proposal

What Your MMC Says: "I never thought I'd fall for someone like you. You're so... ordinary. But I guess that's what I need right now. Will you marry me?"

What She Hears: "You're aggressively mediocre, but I've lowered my standards enough to find that acceptable."

The Darcy Comparison: Even Darcy's disaster proposal acknowledged her extraordinary qualities! He just couldn't stop mentioning her "inferior station" while doing it.

The "I've Changed... Sort Of" Proposal

What Your MMC Says: "I know I've made mistakes—like that time I accidentally started a war because you smiled at someone else—but I'm different now! I only killed half as many people this week!"

What She Hears: "I'm still a homicidal maniac, but now I'm a homicidal maniac with slightly better impulse control."

The Darcy Comparison: At least Darcy didn't try to propose while actively being terrible. He waited until he thought he'd improved (spoiler: he hadn't).

The "Destiny" Proposal

What Your MMC Says: "The prophecy says we're fated mates, so we might as well get married. Resistance is futile anyway."

What She Hears: "I'm too lazy to actually court you, so I'm outsourcing romance to cosmic forces."

The Darcy Comparison: Darcy at least took personal responsibility for his feelings instead of blaming fate, prophecies, or his horoscope.

The "I Own Things" Proposal

What Your MMC Says: "I have seventeen castles, forty-three dragons, and a small country. You'd be stupid not to marry me."

What She Hears: "My net worth is the most compelling thing about me as a romantic partner."

The Darcy Comparison: Even disaster-proposal Darcy focused on his feelings rather than his real estate portfolio!

The Proposal Disaster Hall of Fame

The Backhanded Compliment Special

"Despite your tragic fashion sense and that unfortunate incident where you accidentally summoned a demon, I find myself inexplicably drawn to you. Marry me?"

The Comparison Catastrophe

"You're so much better than my ex-wife! She was evil and tried to murder me, but you only tried to murder me that one time, and it was barely premeditated!"

The Emotional Blackmail Express

"If you don't marry me, I'll probably go back to my old ways of conquering kingdoms and enslaving populations. Do you really want that on your conscience?"

The Timing Disaster

"I know your father just died and your kingdom is in ruins, but this seems like the perfect time to discuss our future! You're vulnerable and need a protector!"

What Darcy Did Wrong (A Comprehensive List)

✗ Assumed his feelings were reciprocated ✗ Led with obstacles instead of affection ✗ Insulted her family while declaring love ✗ Made it about his struggle, not their potential happiness ✗ Expected gratitude for his "sacrifice" ✗ Completely misread the room ✗ Basically mansplained why she should love him

The man had ALL the confidence and NONE of the emotional intelligence. It's like watching a peacock try to propose to a lioness—lots of strutting, zero awareness of the danger.

How Darcy SHOULD Have Proposed (The Redux)

The Darcy Do-Over: "Elizabeth, these past months have shown me that my respect and admiration for you have deepened into love. I know I have much to recommend against me—my pride chief among them—but I hope my character might improve under your influence. I don't offer this lightly, knowing I may not deserve your regard, but might I hope that your feelings could, in time, match mine? Would you do me the extraordinary honor of becoming my wife?"

See the difference?

• Acknowledges HIS flaws, not hers

• Focuses on how she improves him, not what he's sacrificing

• Asks instead of assuming

• Makes it about THEIR future, not his feelings

• 
  

The Modern Author's Dilemma

"But LiAnne," you say, "my MMC is a 500-year-old vampire warlord! He doesn't do vulnerability!"

And I say: "So? Darcy was one of the wealthiest landowners in his county and had never been told 'no' in his life. Character growth doesn't care about your supernatural stats!"

Your immortal whatever can learn to:

• Ask instead of demand

• Focus on her qualities instead of his sacrifice

• Acknowledge his own flaws instead of hers

• Make it about their future instead of his feelings

If Mr. "Ten Thousand a Year" Darcy can eventually figure it out, so can your brooding supernatural boyfriend.

The Bottom Line

Darcy's first proposal was a disaster because he made it entirely about himself—his struggles, his sacrifice, his condescension in loving someone "beneath" him. Elizabeth rightfully told him where he could shove his superior feelings.

Your MMC can be powerful, ancient, wealthy, or magically gifted, but if his proposal sounds like a business merger with a side of emotional manipulation, he's doing it wrong.

The best proposals focus on the beloved's worth, not the proposer's magnanimity in recognizing it.

Your Turn, Fellow Romance Disasters!

What's the worst proposal you've ever written (or read)? Share your romantic car crashes in the comments! Let's create a support group for authors whose MMCs think "marry me or else" counts as romantic.

Remember: If your MMC's proposal would make Elizabeth Bennet reach for a weapon, it needs work.

Next week: "Mr. Darcy Tries Online Dating: A Modern Romance Disaster" because apparently, someone needs to explain to our boy that "looking for someone beneath my station for character development" isn't an attractive bio.

Happy proposing (the right way),

LiAnne Kay

The Darcy Apology vs. The "Sorry You're Upset" Non-Apology

A masterclass in groveling like a gentleman versus groveling like a toddler who got caught eating Play-Doh

Welcome Back to Epic Darcy Fails!

Today we're diving into the lost art of the apology, because apparently, some MMCs think "I'm sorry you feel that way" counts as taking responsibility. Meanwhile, Mr. Darcy wrote what is arguably the most iconic apology letter in literary history, and he didn't even use the word "sorry" once.

Let that sink in, authors. Darcy apologized better WITHOUT saying sorry than your MMC does with a 47-page manifesto about his feelings.

The Darcy Standard: How to Grovel with Grace

When Elizabeth Bennet absolutely demolished Darcy's ego (and rightfully so), our boy didn't:

• Argue with her points

• Explain why she was wrong

• Blame her for misunderstanding him

• Storm off in a huff

  
  

Instead, he went home, had what I can only imagine was a very long conversation with his mirror, and wrote a letter that basically said: "You're absolutely right, I've been a pompous ass, here are the receipts to prove I'm not a complete monster, and PS - I'm working on it."

The Darcy Formula: Acknowledgment + ownership + explanation (not excuse) + commitment to change = Chef's kiss apology

The Hall of Fame: Terrible MMC "Apologies"

The "Sorry You're Upset" Classic

What Your MMC Says: "I'm sorry you're upset about me burning down your village. I didn't realize you'd be so emotional about it."

What He's Actually Saying: "I'm sorry you have inconvenient feelings about my perfectly reasonable war crimes."

What Darcy Would Say: "I acted without considering the full consequences of my actions. Your anger is justified, and I take complete responsibility for the harm I've caused."

The "Sorry BUT" Special

What Your MMC Says: "I'm sorry I sold your sister to pirates, BUT you have to understand I was protecting you from her bad influence."

What He's Actually Saying: "I'm going to say sorry and then immediately explain why I was actually right all along."

What Darcy Would Say: "My actions were inexcusable. While my intentions were protective, I had no right to make that choice for you. I have already arranged for her safe return."

The "I'm Not Good at This" Dodge

What Your MMC Says: "Look, I'm not good with words or feelings or basic human decency. You know I love you, so just... get over it?"

What He's Actually Saying: "Emotional labor is hard, so I'm going to use my man-pain as an excuse to avoid accountability."

What Darcy Would Say: "My difficulty expressing myself is not an excuse for my failures. You deserve better, and I am committed to becoming the man worthy of your regard."

The "You Made Me Do It" Blame Game

What Your MMC Says: "I wouldn't have had to lock you in a tower if you hadn't tried to leave me. This is really your fault when you think about it."

What He's Actually Saying: "I have the emotional regulation skills of a caffeinated squirrel, and somehow that's your problem."

What Darcy Would Say: "My actions were mine alone. Your choices, however they may have affected me, do not justify my response."

The "Grand Gesture" Distraction

What Your MMC Says: "Instead of actually apologizing, I bought you a small country and had your name spelled out in rose petals across three kingdoms. We're good now, right?"

What He's Actually Saying: "If I throw enough money/magic/sparkly things at this problem, surely you'll forget I'm terrible at basic human interaction."

What Darcy Would Say: "No gesture, however grand, can substitute for genuine acknowledgment of wrongdoing and commitment to change."

Real-Time Translation: Apology Edition

Scenario: He made a major decision without consulting her

Terrible MMC Apology: "I'm sorry you're mad that I started a war with your homeland, but I was trying to impress your father. You're being really unfair right now."

Translation: "I refuse to take responsibility and also you're wrong for having feelings."

Darcy-Level Apology: "I acted presumptuously and without regard for your wishes or your people's welfare. My desire to prove myself to your father does not excuse my poor judgment. I have already sent envoys to negotiate peace, and I will accept whatever consequences my actions have earned."

Scenario: He was jealous and acted badly

Terrible MMC Apology: "Sorry I challenged your friend to a death match, but can you blame me? You were laughing at his jokes and it made me feel things I don't like feeling."

Translation: "Your happiness with others is inconvenient to my emotional well-being."

Darcy-Level Apology: "My jealousy led me to act dishonorably. Your friend was entirely innocent, and my challenge was both inappropriate and dangerous. I have apologized to him personally and withdrawn the challenge. Your ability to find joy with others is a gift, not a threat."

The Apology Checklist: What Darcy Would Do

Before your MMC opens his mouth to "apologize," make sure he can check these boxes:

✅ Takes full responsibility without shifting blame ✅ Acknowledges the specific harm caused ✅ Doesn't use his feelings/past/circumstances as excuses ✅ Shows understanding of why his actions were wrong ✅ Commits to specific changes, not vague promises ✅ Accepts that forgiveness isn't guaranteed ✅ Backs up words with actions

If he can't check all these boxes, he's not ready to apologize. Send him back to his brooding corner until he figures it out.

The Fantasy Author's Special Challenge

"But LiAnne," you say, "my MMC is a 1,000-year-old dragon king who's never had to apologize to anyone!"

And I say: "So? Darcy was a wealthy landowner in Regency England who'd never been told 'no' in his life. Character growth is character growth!"

Your ancient, powerful MMC can learn to:

• Say "I was wrong" without the world ending

• Acknowledge hurt feelings without dismissing them as "mortal weakness"

• Take responsibility without his pride literally combusting

• 
  

If Mr. "I own half of England" Darcy can figure it out, so can your immortal dragon king.

The Author Confession Corner

Raises hand shamefully

Oh boy, do I have a story for you. Picture this: my very first attempt at writing Regency romance. I was so excited! I was going to write the next Mr. Darcy!

What I actually wrote: A duke who sleeps with an innocent woman, then spends 90% of the book being absolutely VILE to her because he assumed she was a prostitute. Not just cold or distant, mind you. Cruel. Cutting. The kind of verbal abuse that would make a therapist weep.

My critique partner: "Um, this isn't romantic?" Me: "But he has REASONS! He thought she was—" Critique partner: "That doesn't make it better." Me: "But... but he's a duke?" Critique partner: "That makes it WORSE."

The poor heroine spent the entire book being emotionally destroyed by this man, and I thought readers would find it swoon-worthy because he was "tortured" and "misunderstood."

Spoiler alert: They did not.

Lesson learned: Good cheekbones do not excuse emotional terrorism, even in the name of "character development."

The Bottom Line

Darcy's letter wasn't just an apology; it was a masterclass in accountability. He didn't minimize Elizabeth's concerns, blame her for misunderstanding, or try to justify his actions. He owned his mistakes, provided context without making excuses, and then proved his sincerity through changed behavior.

Meanwhile, your MMC is over here like: "Sorry you're mad, but have you considered that I'm really attractive and my tragic backstory explains everything?"

No, sir. That's not how this works.

Your Turn, Fellow Authors!

What's the worst "apology" you've ever written (or read)? Share your crimes against accountability in the comments! Let's create a support group for authors whose MMCs think "my bad" counts as emotional growth.

Remember: If your MMC's apology wouldn't impress Elizabeth Bennet, it needs work.

Next week: "How NOT to Propose: A Study in Darcy's Epic First Attempt" because apparently, leading with "my family will hate you" isn't the romantic opener we think it is. Who knew?

Happy groveling (the right way),

LiAnne Kay